Last Words
by anthfan
Summary: post-Countdown. Beckett's POV


**Yes, another post-Countdown fic. Enjoy!**

She allowed Josh to guide her back to her desk, grabbing her coat and bag and threw a wave to the Captain and the boys before they too headed towards the elevator. The ride down was silent and she let out a soft sigh when he raised his hand to flag down a cab. Normally she loved the thrill she got when he brought the motorcycle but right then the idea of one more 'thrill' was too much.

His hand wrapped around hers where it laid on her thigh and she turned her head to give him a tight smile. He smiled back and rubbed her hand with his thumb and it was just all too much for her. She slid her hand from his under the guise of brushing hair out of her face and when she brought it back down she tucked it into the pocket of her jacket and allowed her head to fall back against the seat, shutting her eyes and shutting him out.

She felt more than heard him shift next to her and she knew she should say something but she couldn't. The tension in the car grew and the ride was blissfully short. She was out of the cab like a shot, leaving him to pay the fare.

When they reached her apartment she let him take her jacket.

"How about I fix us something to eat?" he says, falsely bright

She nods her head in agreement, tries to give him another smile and fails. "I'm sorry. It's just...it's been a h..." she swallows heavily and tries again "It's just been a long two days."

He rubs his hands up her arms and squeezes her shoulders gently. "I understand." he says before turning and heading for the kitchen, leaving her frozen three steps in from the door.

'He understands?' she thought 'He can't understand. He wasn't there. He has no idea what it is like to slowly freeze to death or stand at the epicenter of bomb meant to destroy half a city.' her hands were beginning to shake and she knew she couldn't break in front of him.

"I'm just going to take a shower." she manages to get out, knowing her voice doesn't sound right but he doesn't seem to notice, just nods in her general direction and keeps his focus on attempting to make a meal out of the meager supplies in her kitchen.

By the time she reaches the bathroom and shuts the door her eyes are swimming with tears. The logical part of her knows this is just a normal human reaction. No one can go through what she's gone through the last two days without having a release. She could barely turn the handle on the shower due to her trembling.

With steam quickly filling the small room she stripped her clothes off and stepped in, hissing as the hot water hit her skin, but after the cold of the freezer that she was sure she could still feel deep in her bones she would take hot every day.

As she mechanically washed her hair images and memories came back to her faster and faster like a waking nightmare that she couldn't escape and finally she couldn't hold it off any longer and broke.

She slid down until she hit the floor of the tub, silent sobs wracking her body. Twice in two days she had almost lost everything. She'd been in tight situations before but they had always been quick, nothing so drawn out, nothing where she had to actually wait to die.

A thought struck her with such clarity and such force her head physically snapped up. This wasn't right. She shouldn't be there, with him. It wasn't going to work.

Within five minutes she had dried off, found a pair of jeans and an old sweatshirt of her mom's from law school and thrown her hair up into a ponytail.

Josh was sitting on the couch, two plates on the table in front of him, flipping idly through the channels. "Hey babe, feel better?" he asked when she stood next to him.

She was silent for a long moment until he finally looked up at her and she knew when he knew what she was going to say. He wiped his hands on his jeans and stood up to face her.

"Josh...you should go...back to Haiti or Africa...you don't really want to be here and it's not right for me to expect you to stay."

"I would have though." he said thickly

She smiled at him sadly "I know but...we live in two different worlds and..."

"And you can't let me into yours." he finished for her, no trace of malice in his voice.

She looked down, guilty "No." she protested "It's not that...it's just...it's not fair to you or to me. I need someone who can be here and who understands."

"And that's not me."

She could feel tears welling again and couldn't talk over the lump in her throat.

He pulled her into a tight hug. "Be happy Kate." he said softly "Go be where you need to be. I'll clean up here and then head out. There's a flight out tonight and I have a standby ticket."

With this admission she knew she had made the right choice. He had never intended to stay indefinitely, just temporarily.

"Thank you." she said quietly before slipping out of his arms and heading out the door.

The drive across town was quick this late at night and as she rode the elevator up to his loft she wasn't sure what she was going to say but knew that he was where she needed to be.

She had to knock three times before she heard the lock turning and the door opened. He looked haunted. The spark missing from his eyes, hair askew, and wrapped in the armor of a thick flannel shirt.

"Beckett!" he exclaimed, not able to hide the surprise in his voice.

"Hey, I'm sorry, I just..." now that she was here she had no idea what to say.

He didn't reply, just stepped back and silently asked her to enter. She stepped in automatically and cast a quick look around. "Martha and Alexis still gone?" she asked, grateful to have something else to focus on if even for a minute.

"I called them and told them everything was alright, they're driving back in the morning."

She nodded, now incredibly self conscious. She bit her lip and kept looking anywhere but at him.

"How are you?" he asked in that damn soft tone of his that had always held some sort of power over her, compelling her to tell him the truth.

"Not so good." she admitted, finally looking at him.

"Me neither." he replied and all the air left her lungs with a sharp exhale, her eyes once again filling with unshed tears.

"Hey." he said quickly, a hand coming out to cup her elbow "we're ok."

"I know." she nodded, dropping her gaze again to hide her eyes.

"Where's Josh?" he asked, voice a bit tighter than usual

"Um, heading to the airport. He had a standby ticket for Haiti."

"Oh, Kate." comes his reply, so softly she almost doesn't catch it.

"It's ok. It's done and...you know what I really don't want to talk about this right now if thats ok." she says and takes a step back from him, needing some space to compose herself. She still wasn't sure why she was here other than the fact that the hollow place inside her didn't feel so empty since she had walked through the door.

"Thats fine. Would you like something to eat or drink.." he trails off, and his forced civility, the lack of humor in his voice startles her.

She runs a hand over her face and turns so her back is towards him and takes a deep breath. "I've been in tight spots before...I don't know why this is..."

"Hey, this would be hard for anyone to deal with, cop or not." he says, stepping closer to her.

She shakes her head in disagreement "No. This is my job. I...I am expected to do this."

"You're human. Every person has their breaking point, it doesn't mean you're weak or that you're not doing your job." he's taken another step and she can feel him behind her. And then it hits her, why this was so much worse than anything else. It wasn't just her and she had something to lose this time. And for some reason that thought manifested itself in anger.

She whirls back towards him, surprised at how close he really is. "But this is not your job!"

His eyes widen in shock at her outburst and he opens his mouth to respond but she doesn't let him.

"Why are you still doing this? Your daughter could have lost her father. Twice! You're not a cop! This isn't your place!" the more she yelled the more frantic her voice got until she wasn't even sure what she was saying anymore. "You can't keep doing this! You can't keep putting your life on the line! I can't lose you!" she clapped a hand over her mouth as her last sentence registers and can't tear her gaze away from his.

At first he had been looking at her with concern and sympathy but now, there was a spark of anger in his eyes as well. "Thats not your call to make. Do you think this is easy for me? To watch you, literally put yourself in the line of fire, everyday." he runs a hand through his hair in frustration and steps back, mirroring her earlier move.

He inhales sharply and then locks his eyes with hers and she gasps when she sees the intensity there "I know what it feels like when you die in my arms." he chokes out before closing the gap between them. His hands reach up to hold her face, his thumbs brushing away tears she didn't even know had fallen. "I know what your eyes look like when you think you're going to die." he finishes, so quietly it's barely a whisper.

"I'm not leaving you Kate Beckett. No serial killer, terrorist, dirty bomb or deep freezer will keep me away. I will be by your side. Always."

She closes her eyes tightly, overwhelmed by his words and knows that there is nothing that could make him leave her. As if of their own volition her arms come forward and wrap around his waist and immediately she feels him envelop her in his arms.

She holds onto him for what feels like an eternity, just enjoying the knowledge that they are whole. "Thanks." she mumbles softly into his chest and he pulls her tighter in response.

Eventually she pulls back and there is a glimmer of a twinkle back in his eyes, for which she is extremely grateful. He wraps an arm around her shoulders and guides her towards the couch.

"You know what I realized earlier." he says in all seriousness

"What's that?"

"If that bomb had gone off, your last words would have been 'Castle'." he says, smug grin threatening to crack across his face.

And before she knows it she's rolling her eyes and throwing a slap in his direction, content and significantly less hollow than she had been before.


End file.
